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For those of you who wondered - One of the "substitute people"
Can I substitute for Kirsten?
araestel
araestel
For those of you who wondered


I've been around, but I honestly haven't felt very chatty. Everything still feels very surreal to me and there's more stress on me than you can probably imagine with all the changes that have and are taking place. Dad and I have never been what you'd call "close" but it's been sorta thrust upon me and I'm trying really hard to fill as much of a void for him as I can when all I really want to do is curl up in a corner. I've not felt like doing much or being social--just ask Bast. We've talked every night at midnight for like 10 years and she's not seen me on line since all of this happened, though I have called her a few times. I just feel a real emptiness and my creative will and "friend" will is practically non-existent. Well, with the exception of my roommie and the occasional call to Bast. I just haven't had the will to even try and be open or talkative. So many apologies for that. But I have read your journals and know about the moves, money woes, family issues, vacations, frogs, The Shrub, Orlando's play (and all of you who are going--I'm really jealous and would give *anything* for a chance to get away), book woes, foot issues, new cats, and a whole lot of other things my brain is just to tired to remember right now. So I just wanted you all to know I've enjoyed your walls, pics and icons and hope your personal lives are happy, healthy and profitable. There's no way I can go back and pick up and comment where I left off, but know I'm thinking of you all and have really appreciated your support and kindness. I'm going to try my best to get back into the commenting mode in the upcoming days.

Just thought I'd let you all know.

And for those of you who wondered, the funeral SUCKED. That preacher my dad had SUCKS HARD and I wasn't the only one who thought so. The guy who did mom's makeup did a great job on her arms and hands, but honestly, it didn't even look like her in her face so that didn't help me either. I was told the best part of the service was the poem I asked the preacher to read and that was at the graveside! I was not at all pleased. It all feels very... off. I don't feel closure at all right now. Maybe that's just me in denial, but I don't really think so--not when I'm slapped with reality.

Also, as mom was passing, that damned preacher stayed with us in mom's hospital room, yammering on and on in my one good ear. I'm not about religion at all, and especially not women preachers, but I held my tongue because dad, evidently, wanted her there. But it took everything I had to NOT make her leave the room. To me, that time should have been personal. But I suppose it doesn't matter what I wanted at all.

For anyone who wonders, here's the poem I asked her to read at mom's graveside:

Warm Summer Sun
by Mark Twain

Warm summer sun,
Shine kindly here,
Warm southern wind,
Blow softly here.
Green sod above,
Lie light, lie light.
Good night, dear heart,
Good night, good night.

And I'm beyond bummed that Bast is going to be close by here in a few weeks and it doesn't look like we'll get to see each other at all--something we haven't gotten to do in like 3 years. It makes me want to cry.

I'll stop rambling now.

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Comments
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jack4will From: jack4will Date: July 6th, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
*huggles very hard* Just take your time girlfriend. We are all here for you.

That poem is very lovely. Funerals are always hard to get through I know.

If you need to talk just send me an email.
araestel From: araestel Date: July 6th, 2007 09:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks hon--I appreciate it.

I'd kinda been through this before when my grandmother died--she was as much a mother to me as mom was. I had them both as a match set and it really tore me up when she passed. I honestly still have not ever stopped missing her. At least I cried for her. Mom's death has turned me so completely inside out, I haven't really even had a good cry. Moments here and there get to me. The shower is the worst. I always cry in the shower. GO figure. But with all the other things this has brought up, I just feel too... I don't even know what--to even cry yet.

Thanks honey! *hugs*
orlisheart From: orlisheart Date: July 6th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh sweetheart, I am sorry I missed that all this was going on. Of course I know exactly how you feel and even though it may not seem like it right now, things will get easier. Believe me. I am here if you ever need to talk. *hugs you so tight*
araestel From: araestel Date: July 6th, 2007 09:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
I honestly think things will just get harder before they get easier. Dad can't afford the house, so that means selling and finding him somewhere else. He doesn't want to move here and is leaning towards an assisted living/nursing home. But that means selling furniture, household goods, the house and moving him--something I'm not mentally or physically equipped for. It just all makes me want to scream and because all of this is looming over me, not to mention my own lack of income, I can't even concentrate on mourning her. *sigh*

*hugs back*
From: harukameko Date: July 6th, 2007 09:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs you very tight* Take all the time you need. We're all here for you and know how tough of a time this is for you and your family. Thank you so much for updating and letting us know how you are doing.

Funerals always suck. I remember they didn't do my cousin up very well at her funeral.
araestel From: araestel Date: July 6th, 2007 09:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
You're very sweet to remember me. And sorry I've not been around for you. *hugs*
woejoedoe From: woejoedoe Date: July 6th, 2007 09:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh sweetie, no need for apologies at all. It’s understandable you feel this way. We’ll be here when you’re ready. If I had the means, I’d totally get my flist together and we’d all go see Orlando’s play and just forget for a little while… Alas, in my dreams. <3

Sorry to hear about the funeral and sucky preacher. :\ Much love and strength to you and your loved ones.

Even if you’re not entirely back yet, it’s nice to have this update and know how you’re doing. ♥
araestel From: araestel Date: July 6th, 2007 09:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
I figure people would start wondering where I was if I didn't post.

I'm not a big fan of religion so this was all extremely hard for me.

*hugs*
tinkerfairy From: tinkerfairy Date: July 6th, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs* I can understand why you haven´t felt like talking that much. I hope that you will find a way for yourself to deal with it and find a little happiness again. *hugs again*
araestel From: araestel Date: July 6th, 2007 09:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
You're very sweet. *hugs*
(Deleted comment)
araestel From: araestel Date: July 6th, 2007 09:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Your English is fine! And thanks for taking the time to let me know I'm in your thoughts. I really do appreciate it.

*hugs*
(Deleted comment)
viggosterri From: viggosterri Date: July 6th, 2007 09:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
*HUGS*
araestel From: araestel Date: July 6th, 2007 09:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs back*
(Deleted comment)
araestel From: araestel Date: July 6th, 2007 09:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs back*
lucilla27 From: lucilla27 Date: July 6th, 2007 09:48 pm (UTC) (Link)

*HUGS*

I'm deeply sorry. I understand about funerals very much. Unless you plan them it is never what you want. I wish I could help. I think about my grandma when it rains and I see a cat, she loved both. All my love. *hugs*
araestel From: araestel Date: July 8th, 2007 03:48 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: *HUGS*

*hugs* Loss is hard. But so is living and I think the latter is the hardest of the two.
grey853 From: grey853 Date: July 6th, 2007 09:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
Grieving is difficult even under the best of circumstances, when all the survivors are physically and financially fit. That's not even close to the case here, so it's only natural to feel overwhelmed and done in. They never really talk about how hard it is in all the books or in movies. Nobody and nothing prepares you for it. You just have to keep breathing and slog through it. It ain't easy.

I do hope things do work out and get easier though and you get a chance to be on your own and grieve without having to take care of someone else all the time.
araestel From: araestel Date: July 8th, 2007 03:42 am (UTC) (Link)
It would be such a relief to not have to worry about where the next meal or bottle of medicine or tank of gas comes from--but that's my shitty reality. It keeps me awake at nights and on edge during the day. There's just no relief. I'd give anything for the chance to get away from everything or just stop stressing for one day. But I don't see that happening any time soon.

*hugs*

Btw, I thought of you the other day. I saw a guy who looked a whole lot like Paul Gross, just a little thinner. I almost tossed him in the trunk of my car for you. But I figured his girlfriend might get testy.
bm_shipper From: bm_shipper Date: July 6th, 2007 10:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh I'm SO sorry for you and all the shit that happened to you, really... I know we don't know each other for very long, but I feel so close to you because I went through the same like you do now when I lost my mother... it's long ago now, but at the beginning it was very hard and so on... *hugs you* If you need someone to talk, no matter when, no matter how, feel free to add me in MSN or ICQ or maybe you want to write me an e-mail, but it's just an offer you don't have to "accept", it's really okay, I only want you to know, that I'm there...
araestel From: araestel Date: July 8th, 2007 03:44 am (UTC) (Link)
That's so very sweet of you. *squishes*
moblo413 From: moblo413 Date: July 6th, 2007 10:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
*huuuugs*

I'm so sorry, hon. I know how hard it is to lose a parent, but I also know that even though it may not seem like it right now, it does get better.

I wish there was more I could do than tell you I'm thinking about you, but I am. *hugs some more*
araestel From: araestel Date: July 8th, 2007 03:48 am (UTC) (Link)
That's very sweet of you. *hugs*
monicaop From: monicaop Date: July 6th, 2007 10:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
My dear Ara, I just can't being to tell you how sad I am that you are feeling like this, that your life is not working right now, specially after such a terrible loss, is totally understanding.

Is really sad that things didn't worked during your Mom's funeral, I don't know, until now I have never been in one that truly helps with the feelings that are created by this situations.

I understand that is going to take you a lot of time until you can finally manage everything that is going on around you. You are in my prayers and my thoughts. Take care my friend, I'm sending you tons of hugs and good vibes.
araestel From: araestel Date: July 8th, 2007 03:44 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks so much honey. *hugs*
tularia From: tularia Date: July 6th, 2007 11:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's okay to ramble. It's okay to feel lost. You lost your mom, for cryin out loud, and that hurts. It IS a void, and there's nothing but time to help fill it. I'm here for you if you need me, and you can always call me if you just want to rant/vent/cry. Just ask for my number and it's yours.

*hugs* I've missed you around here, even though I've seen you check in at various places; it's nice to know that you're getting on, even if it's extremely difficult.
araestel From: araestel Date: July 8th, 2007 03:47 am (UTC) (Link)
I kinda feel like I have no choice right now. Choice has been taken away from me. I'm only hanging on for my dad because mom would have wanted me too. But this continual stress has worn me down. I'm tired of fighting--tired of trying. Life shouldn't be this fucking hard.

You're very sweet to offer your support. *hugs*
geekmama From: geekmama Date: July 6th, 2007 11:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs you very much*

I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. That poem was truly beautiful. May your memories of your mother shine brighter as all the negative stuff fades away.
araestel From: araestel Date: July 8th, 2007 03:49 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks honey. *squishes*
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