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This and that - One of the "substitute people" — LiveJournal
Can I substitute for Kirsten?
araestel
araestel
This and that
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araestel From: araestel Date: January 12th, 2006 11:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs* I think I need to clarify that smile thing.

While I do suffer from depression, I mean actually *physically* smile. I have a facial paralysis that keeps me from moving my mouth much and smiling is a lost thing. I hate looking at myself in the mirror anymore. I used to have an infectious smile. Now it just kinda looks like I smell something offensive. I was so impressed by Orlando that he wasn't grossed out by me and smiled so beautifully and actually talked to me. I'm sorta used to people looking away now and either ignoring me or trying to figure out what happened.

E-town can't come out fast enough. I adore this movie and know the dialogue inside and out and can do it without a second thought. I hate that critics slammed Orlando--i think he did a fabulous job and I adore him and the film more and more every time I see it.

*hugs*
tularia From: tularia Date: January 13th, 2006 04:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Now see, I learned something new about you. That must be a horrible feeling emotionally to be unable to show your happiness in the most 'normal' way. Have they tried nerve conduction tests to see if you have the ability to smile again?

I don't think Orlando could have been grossed out by you. I think that man sees the inner beauty in everything. And I bet your eyes smiled bright enough, he knew you were happy to see him.

Even if there is nothing I can do to physically make you smile, I'm still going to see to it that I keep you smiling on the inside, where it counts. Because you're beautiful to me no matter what.

*snuggles you*
araestel From: araestel Date: January 13th, 2006 01:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
*sniff* You're too sweet. *hugs*

Orlando is truly a rare jewel. He was wonderful and never even flickered at my appearance. I know he was "working" but he was genuine and took special time to speak with me.

I've been to a neurologist twice now and it seems what I'm left with is it. So I don't think there will ever be a real smile again for me.

I just hate looking at myself now. For weeks after it first happened, I didn't even look in the mirror and didn't leave the house. I had to re-learn how to speak so that I could be understood and even then, I had some real problems. Even eating a sandwich was hard-0my mouth won't open correctly. Pizza is hard too because it burns me because I can't move my lips to avoid the burn. Even brushing my teeth is hard. I was already depressed and this just made it worse. And on top of this, two times a year the damaged nerve feels intense pain like an ice pick imbeded in my face. I live with pain 24/7 now because of the damage but when my sinuses flair up, the pain is nearly unbearable. Doesn't helpt that I don't have insurance and no income, so there are a lot of things out of reach for me. Heck--I wouldn't even be on-line if not for my roommate giving me a pc and paying for the service. I feel like a burden and a waste.

Sorry for the rant. Today is a bad day and I just received more bad medical news.

But thank you so much for your sweet words. *hugs*
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